In order to mitigate the suffering and devastation of your children after divorce, the Millennium Cohort Study has revealed that it’s better for kids if you rip the rug out from under them when they are between the ages of three and seven. In other words, get out before they have the mental and emotional capacity to realize how awesome and safe life is when mom and dad are living together, loving one another.
The effect on children under three remains an empirical mystery because they didn’t assess those participants but, it’s best to accept that no child escapes the divorce of their parents unscathed and that young children would fare no better because when you have a choice it’s best to travel the do-no-harm road.
This study, led by the Centre for Longitudinal Studies at the Institute of Education, followed nearly 19,000 children born at the start of the 21st century. It thoroughly examined poverty, parenting, education, health, religion and so on. What it revealed was that “minors aged between seven and 14 at the time of the split exhibit a 16% rise in emotional problems, such as anxiety and depressive symptoms, and an 8% increase in conduct disorders.”
The study found that money, or the lack thereof, had no impact on the percentage of children suffering from depressive and/or anxiety disorders. The well-provided-for suffered as much as the under-provided-for because the truth is, neither the rich kids nor the poor were getting what children need to thrive. Both were equally deprived of the priceless investment of married parents.
The study also suggested that boys suffer in more acute, destructive ways at the hands of divorce. According to Professor Emla Fitzsimons of the Institute of Education at University College London and co-author of the study, “Seven- to 14-year-olds, boys were more likely to display behavioural problems, such as acting up and being disobedient.” But I submit that typically boys suffer and act out in more inconveniently messy and obvious ways whereas girls just suffer more quietly. One young woman who follows Them Before Us commented, “Hmmm I was diagnosed with ADHD amongst other things after my dad left, I went from a straight A student in yrs 7&8 to passes & Ds & 2 Es & dropping out twice. Not so sure it’s so clean for the girls.” Annie would agree:
There is never a good time for your parents to divorce, but 15 years of age and a freshmen in high school I would consider one of the most awkward times, as so much about life at that stage is trying to belong, to be noticed and feel worthy. I definitely carried the shame of my parent’s divorce.
Of course it’s important to distinguish between “at fault” and “no fault” divorce. At Them Before Us, we do not advocate for remaining in an abusive marriage. In those cases, the abusive parent is “at fault” and both the community and the courts should align themselves with the innocent party. But “at fault” divorces likely make up 20% or less of divorce cases. Those parents who could become the other 80% should heed the obvious findings of this study and do whatever they can to improve their marriage stay together.
The timing of divorce seems to be irrelevant to how children suffer in the wake of their parent’s separation. Except, as the study perhaps suggests, when the kids are young. In other words, before the kids realize you are invaluable to them and cannot be replaced, before your absence will create a lifelong hole in their heart, and before they have a chance to taste and see the security and joy that comes from watching the two people they love the most… love each other.
A no-fault divorce does not mean there was no abuse happening in a marriage. In fact, often the abused spouse will choose no-fault to avoid the *extremely traumatic* process of proving her abuse in court. If you look at *the link you posted,* it lists many of the pros of no-fault that have to do with people in abuse situations getting out with less trauma for themselves and their children.
I am watching the devastating effect divorce is having on my three granddaughters. Their dad, the love of their lives, simply left claim my daughter was “unhappy”. She wasn’t. He was having an affair. He moved 200 miles away. It’s been 11 months since he left. They are not divorced, but it is “peaceful.” He doesn’t see the children with any regularity and quit a higher paying job to be with the other woman. Here is the fallout: my 10 year old granddaughter, despite being treated by a psychologist, now has to be medicated for severe anxiety and has severely reduced her food intake; my 8 year old granddaughter is so angry she can barely speak to him and is conflicted about her love and she sees a therapist as well. The four and a half year old says he’s a liar, which is not good either, and begs him to come home. My daughter has forgiven him. God bless her. He provides nothing financially as she is the greater wage earner. She settled the case just to have peace between them as she thought it would be better for the girls. It’s not. He is just repeating the errors of his own father . . . whereas, no one in our family has ever been divorced.
This is why we should teach people to find the right person to marry and to mantain a healthy relationship and to consider divorce as the last option. And if divorce happens there should be a law which allows joint parental custody so that children have access to both biological parents.
It’s important to understand why “no-fault divorce” was created. Many of your readers aren’t old enough to remember when judges and juries could tell an abused wife (or husband) that she wasn’t abused enough for their standards, and they would prohibit the divorce and send her home to someone violent and hostile. It is no surprise that Harvard’s Journal of Economics found that the suicide rate, domestic violence rate, and homicide rate dropped in those states that passed laws allowing unilateral no-fault divorce back in the 1970s and early 1980s.
And remember, sometimes as Christians we don’t want to air our dirty laundry at an “at-fault” hearing. Divorce is public record. And if your spouse has destroyed your marriage and loses his/her job due to the facts uncovered in court, there’s no child support. Right?