(Originally Published at Anonymous Us)
I am an 18-year-old female and I was conceived using an egg donor. My dad is my biological dad and I admire him beyond words. I’m not at all close with my mom. My parents told me they used an egg donor when I was 10-12 years old. That’s a guess; I honestly don’t remember how old I was. Every day I wonder about my biological mom. Does she wonder about me? Do we look similar? Do we have similar personalities, likes, and dislikes? Do I have half-siblings? Do I have grandparents that know about me? That barely scratches the surface. I can not put into words the pain of not knowing who my biological mother is and not being able to have/have had a relationship with her. I really do think about this at least once a day, and it is deeply mentally, emotionally, and psychologically troubling.
I want to ask my mom and dad if they know anything about her, but I’m too afraid. I have a twin sister (conceived with my dad’s sperm and I’m pretty sure we have the same biological mom) and we are both about to start college. I wish I could tell my biological mom about big life events such as this. Part of the reason I’m too afraid to ask is because I don’t want to add more to my family’s plate. However that discussion would end, I feel like it would cause more harm than good. I’m in so much pain over this and I don’t want to give my parents or sister a similar feeling. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
I’m also afraid of asking in case my search for my bio mom goes nowhere. What if my parents don’t know anything? What if the place that did the egg donation doesn’t know anything? I would feel the same if not worse, but at least I would know.
Or, what if they know something? What if they have the identity of my bio mom? Would she respond if I contacted her? I don’t even know if I would legally be able to try to talk to her, if I had a way to.
Like I said, I’m 18. However I’m already thinking about how my possible kids would feel about this. If I have kids, I will tell them as soon as they are old enough to understand. Will it bother them that they won’t know their maternal grandparents and other family? Will it bother them that it bothers me? I’m afraid of marrying and having kids with a man I’m related to. I don’t think that’s likely, but still, I believe it’s a valid concern.
Through 23andMe I’ve found cousins that I am certain are on my bio mom’s side of the family, and I’ve made a family tree connecting all of them. I feel better being able to piece together that side of my family, but it doesn’t really help because I have no idea how I fit into it. I have a whole other family and I don’t get to know and love them (and they don’t get to know and love me). As a donor conceived child, there are so many things I simply don’t get to know.
Thanks to anyone who read this far. I needed to get all of this out. If you’re also donor conceived and feel the same way as me, I hope it helps to know you’re not alone. Reading posts on here has helped me in that way. I’m thinking of you, I love you, I’m with you.
If you’re someone considering egg or sperm donation, I hope this helps you in that decision. I’m personally against it, based on how I feel about my conception and my life. It bothers me that I cost money, that the one woman I want most in this life is a stranger yet 50% of me. Sometimes I wish I weren’t born. I didn’t ask for this, and I never would have consented to it. Please adopt, at least those kids are already in existence, don’t go out of your way to create a child. Or just don’t have kids at all. No one should have to spend hours on hours feeling alone and wondering about half of their biological family. I wouldn’t wish this pain and wondering on ANYONE.
While I’m sad to hear your pain I’m also offended to see you are one of the “just adopt” people that shames those going through infertility. Until you’ve walked in those shoes you have no right to judge others. That’s not to say your pain is invalid because that would be wrong.
I can’t help wonder if the lack of relationship you have with your mom is a big reason behind your pain. Perhaps if that relationship was a positive one you wouldn’t be in as much pain.
She’s not shaming people who have fertility issues. You took it personally, which it clearly wasn’t. She’s offering her experience and her opinion which she’s entitled to do. Adoption is a great thing! It takes a lot to love a child that isn’t biologically yours.
It also takes a lot for an adoptee to grow up not knowing both parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents that are biologically connected. It takes a lot for the adoptee to love the adoptive parents and family as if they were theirs. Just an other point of view.
Thank you so much for speaking up about our (adoptee’s) pain. Adoption is not beautiful as it’s rooted in loss of our roots and true identities.
The first rule of parenting…it isn’t about you.
I feel for the writer and can understand her pain from not knowing HALF of her biology. However as an ADOPTEE, I can say that she knows knows nothing of the trauma and pain that adoptees face because we know little or nothing of our biology. We have been commoditized and struggled through childhood without genetic mirrors, we struggle every day without knowing our true medical histories in adulthood. We have to endure a false identity imposed on us without our consent, listing two strangers on our amended “birth” certificate as parents “as if we were born to them!”
It is well past time that adoption was outlawed and replaced with Permanent Legal Guardianships (when a child absolutely cannot be raised by their own parents) or kinship care, with the child’s true birth certificate remaining a legal medical and identity document for the child.
Sadly, that 1st response is typical from people who feel entitled to have children by whatever means necessary. And don’t care at all about how those children feel. The 2nd, while more supportive, doesn’t understand that adult adoptees feel much the same & adoption, like donor conception, is for the adults, almost never for the children.
You feel what many adult adoptees feel, with an added layer of complex emotional fallout. I’m glad you found a way to express your feelings. I appreciate that you shared! I hope you continue to speak about your journey. You have every right to feel what you feel and express yourself. Ignore self centered infertile narcissists who can’t see beyond their own loss & perceived entitlement. Don’t let their attempt to gaslight you silence your voice.
I agree 100%!!! I have wanted a child since I started playing with dolls….but unfortunately my life never blessed me with a good man until now…but I’m 46 and my one follicle isn’t responding to IVF….so I was given the option of using an egg donor…which I refused. For many reasons, including the ones described by this young woman and some of my own feelings that she/he will never be part of me biologically – I would be carrying another woman’s child. I struggled and tried to convince myself that maybe I could do it, but in my heart, in my gut it never felt right. I made that decision YESTERDAY….and a few hours ago, I stumble upon this article and it confirmed my feelings were right. My fiance and I have chosen to adopt and save a child who doesn’t have parents, a child that already exists and NEEDS parents to love it. We know it’s a very long and hard road, we we are going to give it our best shot. Wish I could hug this young lady and give her comfort.
You are offended?? The children who are created have the most right to speak against what has been done to them.
Experiencing infertility does not give us the right to play god and manufacture loss for children.
Are you for real? She’s not shaming anyone. Exactly why infertile women shouldn’t adopt because it’s about you and your pain with no thought for the child.
Thank you for sharing your pain. It sounds incredibly difficult. As you read about others on this website and come across others with your experience, you will find they too share many of your feelings. We all struggle to find our identity: who am I; why am I the way I am? Much of this involves comparison of ourselves with biological family.
It sounds like you are torn between wanting to know more about your bio mom and not bothering your family with ‘another issue.’ But you have been carrying an amazing burden. Could you find a way to bring up the topic with your parents without accusation, and explain that you have this need to know more about your family of origin? I think they might understand that exploring one’s identity is a central theme for most 18-year-olds.
‘Just adopt’… as if we adoptees don’t go through the same exact thing you are
Her point isn’t that it’s easy, just that it’s BETTER than using a donor egg.
Coping with being adopted is definitely hard to deal with, however the difference is that your biological mother chose to give you life instead of aborting you and made the very hard decision to give you up so you could have a better life. VERY different from a woman buying an egg from someone, implanting it and creating a child for their OWN benefit of being a mom. Not downplaying the pain adoptees feel, but it’s completely different. When someone adopts, they are at least giving a child who already exists, a good life instead of intentionally creating a child to satisfy their desire to be a parent.
“Genealogical bewilderment”, & “mother-loss” don’t even venture onto the radar of adults who desire a child-at-all-costs. the costs of made-to-order children And adopted infants is a lifetime of (sometimes unrealised) disenfranchisement. many people “wake-up” when they have biological children of their own or adopters/caregivers die triggering a reenactment of the Primal Wound (of separation) aka mother-loss. if people were Aware of the genuine feeling – Hiraeth (look it up), they wouldn’t Inflict a child with this deliberate injury.
Thank you for telling your story – I hope it leads you to a community of donor-conceived people who can support you in your journey. I myself was a gestational surrogate, and delivered a child I now think of as my nephew AND birth-son. The damage done to me, to my immediate and extended family is incalculable. I don’t blame his parents – they followed the Fertility Industry’s lead in the hopes of a quick fix. I see surrogacy and donor conception as wholly wrong, as being rooted in the patriarchal acquisition, commodification, and dehumanisation of women’s bodies. The Fertility Industry deludes themselves into thinking they’re saviours, without ever owning the wreckage they leave in their wake.
I am very sorry to hear that you are in pain. I was myself at your age, however I was raised by my biological parents.
I was emotionally neglected, sexually abused and unprotected by my biological parents. But over many years I healed and I am grateful for the precious gift of life.
My biological parent’s neglect did not stand in the way of me healing . The power lies within each and everyone of us willing to do whatever it takes to heal, empower and love ourselves.
Right now I am trying to help an lady who matched with me on a DNA test find her own genetic family as both her biological parents were adopted. She would love the gift of knowing just which side of my family she is related to. I also have two Nephews who have egg donors as their biological mothers.
Their birth mom carried them in her body and loved them with all her heart and soul. They may not be her biological sons but she is their mother. Without her they would not exist. She is the one who gave them the precious gift of life.
Not having the perfect set of parents, is often part of being human. It neither diminishes the value of the gift of life or prevents one from healing.