My mom was 17 and my dad was 23 when they got married. They had 4 children together. We bounced around from home to home until I was about 9 years old. That’s when my dad got a stable job and was then able to afford our own place. Most of the time it is difficult for me to remember my feelings towards my parents as I was growing up. I do not remember a strong feeling of love or being loved. My dad was an alcoholic, not the physically abusive type, but the pass out, not available type. So, my mom was left to do it all, that I do remember. My mom was stressed out and often had a short fuse. There was a lot of physical discipline from my mom, my dad never hit us.
My parents were married for 17 years. We lived off and on with my maternal grandparents for the first 8 years of my life until my parents were able to finally buy a townhouse. We lived there for 2 years when my mom told my dad that she wanted a divorce. I still remember hearing him plead with her. That was the only time I heard them argue.
Since we spent so many years on and off living with my maternal grandparents, and then again after my parents got divorced, my grandmother had the biggest impact on my upbringing. She made us feel safe and loved until the day she died.
My mom worked at the same company as my stepdad. They were together for less than a year before they eloped. He was 6 years younger than her and had a 3-year-old daughter. We all moved into a house together. He was so kind to us and treated us fairly. He took us on family vacations and helped my younger brother with little league. It was a 180 from what we had known. My younger brother and I have always been the closest to my stepdad. I think that is because we are a year apart and the most aware of what was going on around us. He went to my graduations and school functions, when my bio dad wouldn’t. He danced with me at my wedding when my dad wouldn’t even attend the reception. I did and do consider him my dad.
My biological father had many girlfriends. There was one that was very kind and seemed to genuinely like us kids and my dad. However, there were a few that just wanted my dad to spend his money on them and very often persuaded him away from us. One girlfriend that he had longer than the others, was only 7 years older than me. I remember I was my dad’s weekend. The 4 of us kids ages 15-7 in a studio apartment and she came over and made us go into the bedroom area, that only had an accordion door. She and my father had sex on the couch, where we all could hear them. I tried to do everything I could to distract my younger siblings while we sat on his futon bed. 30 years late, and I still vividly remember that night. She had 2 daughters, and quickly my dad moved in with her and her daughters. It was like we didn’t exist anymore. He spent all his time and money on them. She and her daughters were not kind to us when we were around, especially me and my younger sister. That relationship lasted 5 years.
My mom took each of us kids into a room to talk with us about getting a divorce. We were living with my grandparents again. She took me to the bedroom and sat me down on the bed and told me that she and my dad were getting a divorce. The first thing I did was laugh. I had no idea how to react. I was very nervous; my mom didn’t really talk with me one on one. She was a little shocked at my reaction and was a bit upset that I wasn’t crying. I guess I knew it was coming.
My life changed because we had to leave our home and move into my grandparents’ home again. My dad stayed in the house, which they had put in their 4 kids’ names, and he eventually foreclosed on it. After the divorce, mom started acting like she was childless and single. She would leave us with her parents while she was out for the night or gone for the weekends. My dad dove deeper into his drinking and often left his 4 kids sitting on the porch because he forgot or didn’t want to pick us up for his weekend visitation. I tried to be the best kid, I never got into trouble, and I helped my grandparents with my siblings. However, my mom was constantly at odds with me, and I truly felt like she hated us.
The divorce still affects me today in every area of my life. As a wife, I made a commitment to never do that to my children. I used to listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger before I was married, and it resonated with me how she tried to advise parents if they divorced, not to date or get remarried because of how it would affect the children. It made sense to me because I lived through it. The separation of my parents destroyed my older brother and my younger sister, they still struggle to this day. My younger brother and I have the most “normal” married lives.
As a parent, I know that having good communication and taking care of each other as we take care of our children is vital. I never wanted to be the mom my mom was. When my kids were younger, I did everything I could to tell them and show them that I loved them. I probably overshared, but they will never say they didn’t know.
I truly believe that through the Lord’s provisions, I was kept from harm whether by self or others. I have always believed in God and as I look back, I see his protection over the years of my life. Luckily, I found solace in my youth group friends and youth pastor’s wife, people I am still in contactw ith to this day.