My parents were allegedly a common law marriage, but the state they lived in didn’t recognize common law marriage at the time, so far as I can tell. They were hippies, my father was a drunk and a junkie, my mother left him when I was 2 and my brother 4.
My mother followed with a string of male and female relationships, though most of my youth she was a lesbian. She probably had a dozen partners as well as twoish ‘live in’ partners. Only one of them attempted to be my ‘2nd mom’ of a sort, but she was into cocaine and had a pretty intense personality. She was the part-time coach for my brothers YMCA soccer team. But most of the women were simply my mothers partners. She remarried in our adulthood, but divorced again after 12 years. All her siblings are divorced.
My father remarried 4ish times and recently in his 60s decided he is meant to be a woman. He also feels the need to reconnect with us but that’s all too messed up. He’s never had a role in our lives, and managed to pay child support for one month out of our whole childhood. When my dad told me about his “transition,” I immediately thought of a song I could barely identify, which turned out to be the theme from “Brokeback Mountain.” All I knew from the song was it portended deep, deep loss, and it reflected the deep loss I felt at that moment. Much of the time I may have just despairingly laughed about how F’ed up it was. In retrospect, even my Dad couldn’t “do” being a man, why would I expect I could? Manhood is not something a woman ‘gives’ you, simply by being a wife or girlfriend. “Women just being women” does NOT somehow, through the power of magical thinking, make men into men. Boys must be shown through all kinds of ways- explicit and implicit, spoken and unspoken- how to be a man. Manhood must be modeled… by a man.
I have always wrestled with a lack of male figures who were sound and enviable. My brother and I both experienced mild neglect but also physical and sexual abuse from unsafe environments. Making myself ‘open’ to male presence out of unconscious desperation for male presence, sometimes meant being exposed to men who took advantage of me in a ‘predatory’ way and/or began ‘grooming’ me. Some just saw an easy target for torture. I took other boys rough-housing more personally than I should have, because my mother never rough-housed in a sane way. She would actually strike us if we played too rough and say “you don’t hit girls!” Because we never had a father to teach the ‘balance’ of such play, I had no ‘off switch’ when it came to rough-housing. I did briefly have a Big Brother I was VERY attached to, but only a little upset when he graduated college.
My brother married but wrestles with his role as father. We both started dating late, totally winging it and being taken advantage of by women, along with our own capacity for meting it out in response. I haven’t dated seriously for almost 20 years, I’m mostly desperate and sad at age 47 and very single and ever more isolated from others, despite my recent embrace of Catholicism. I’ve always wrestled with unanswered prayer and a seemingly absent divine father. Failure to thrive/launch is the best way of looking at it, and in some ways I don’t look forward to the next years any more than a longtime inmate may look forward to release from a pathological incarcerated life out into a sick society.
My mother actually hints at and encourages me not getting married and the pleasures of not having a committed family life. This she says to her own child whose life she messed with. I feel and think and am beginning to believe God in His Infinite wisdom is isolating me to keep me from continuing something bad for the world; a failed family legacy spanning generations on both sides of abuse and neglect. Others and myself may think I’d be a wonderful father, but what do I know about being a SON, to God OR man, especially given my F’ed up biological father, who thinks he’s ‘always’ been a woman?
My brother is recently divorced after a marriage he “settled” for decades ago – though he would only admit that now. He’s been in therapy – which my mother hates, because the therapist has agreed with my brother on the importance of men to raise boys, and my mother considers ANY such suggestion to be an insult to her efforts.
The older I get, the clearer it is the unspoken, ‘whole family normativity’ privileges men from whole families, no matter how muffed. Their father’s were THERE, present, embodying what boys become and men DO, what is natural and “ok” for them. They are latent in male-male socialization, communication, decision-making, commitment, ad infinitum. My aspirations in life-long desired male pursuits – hunting, fishing, trapping, etc that since youngest childhood I’ve been drawn to – are utterly hampered by how male-dominated those pastimes or lifeways are – and how much radical dissonance there is between myself and even the ‘friendly’ ones who do these things.
There was a meme I saw recently with a guy saying “life is like chess – I don’t know how to play chess”. I shared it with a ‘laughing at my issues’ attitude about how Chess – and life- doesn’t actually make any sense. Part of the thing is the ‘game’ of life is one where lots of ‘rules’ are THERE – but they’re not treated as spoken or statutory rules in some “Book of Men and Women and Civil Society.” The rules are not spoken, so much of the game of life doesn’t make sense from the outside…
because you’re not supposed to be outside of it
…you’re supposed to be inside of it, live it, ALL of it. And if you somehow miss the rules, like missing the Cotillion sign-up day and never taking part in all that…you miss out on the ‘instruction’ ENTIRELY, and LIFE ITSELF goes on around you. You only appear to be like “everyone else” – but you objectively are not. As much as kids with whole/intact families may talk to you like you’re included, you’re not. Those kids are unaware of the very real, concrete void you have about the things they don’t even KNOW they know, that SO many of them take SO much for granted.
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I’m sorry. Your story…the feeling of being on the outside and looking in…resonates with me but for completely different reasons. My mother died suddenly when I was four years old. I was raised by my father and his sister who were orphaned. There was a lot of pain and sadness in our home.
When I was a teenager, my father married a crazy woman who had been married several times before and had lost custody of one of her children to her own mother. My father moved out to live with his new wife and left us with our aunt, who was an alcoholic. To be clear, I love my aunt and am very grateful for her sacrifice, but she was not easy to live with. My father and his soon-to-be ex-wife went back and forth for many years before he finally ended it, but her presence added pain and difficulty we did not need.
Many people feel disconnected, even people we don’t think have a good reason to feel the way they do. And, yes, screwed up parents are often better than no parents. As an adult, I’ve come to realize how unmoored my father and aunt must have felt. They had a big extended family that tried to make them feel a part of something; but, ultimately, they didn’t belong anywhere. They were alone.
You can’t change what happened to you. You can’t change the people who have hurt you and continue to hurt you. But you can change your future. Your future does not have to be defined by your past. Your future doesn’t have to be limited by your past.
Trust God.
Speak words of forgiveness to everyone who hurt you (“I forgive you, XXXX, and I ask the Lord to bless you.”). Say it to yourself…for yourself…and say it out loud. Do it every time you remember something or someone who hurt you. Give it to Jesus. I promise you that it works. I was filled with anger and resentment (for good reason) towards a number of people. I no longer am. I am free. You can be free, too.
Ask God to help you heal. Ask God to help you forgive.
Thank you so much for you comments shared… I truly want to forgive those who have/still hurt me, but it isn’t easy. I understand people hurt others because of their own pain, so I strive to have a compassionate heart. – I’m also learning how to love myself better, not allow others to treat me badly, also heal from past hurts, but it can be hard to forget and to fully heal. I know my Saviour can take my struggles within away, but I need to do my part by making the choice to pray and truly leave my pain with Him. Thank you more than I can say for teaching me a way I can work on forgiving others, by verbalising those words and truly recognising that my Saviour will help me. Thank you and take good care of you too. We are so blessed, and I want to remember that and be strong, especially on the days when I feel I can’t hive any more. I want to let go of the helplessness so I can be the mother my children always need and be able to help others get through their own struggles in life… I just have to learn to love myself properly first, remembering the worth Heavenly Father sees in me, then I know I will find the strength I need to be there for others too, especially my precious children. Thank you.
Yes — forgiveness IS hard. So hard. Necessary — but like all the things we struggle with — very hard. I find I get it and then it slips away. What has helped me somewhat (and nothing helps all the time) is realising how easy sin is. I think that is what original sin is. We don’t know the harm we’ve done. I don’t mean just in parenting — I mean on a daily basis, the comments, the thoughts, the intentions, the feelings, the all that lead us to not be as kind as we believe ourselves to be. Our parents who did us such harm don’t know they did because they don’t know how it feels. That’s the bottom line. Feelings ARE knowledge. We don’t know what if feels like to be on the other end of decisions we make. We think we have not hurt others by choices we’ve made — because we’re not on the other end of those choices. It’s like — I kick someone but I don’t feel that kick the way they do. Our nerve ending end with ourselves. Our society, liberal, western society, has offered people possibilities that are ludicrously dangerous to others but most people don’t understand that. To have endless amounts of sex with multiple partners or technologically available alternatives to normal family formation? This is historically unprecedented. In the past, if you couldn’t conceive, you’d cry and accept. If you were attracted to members of your own sex? you’d cry and accept. If you wanted a different spouse than the one you married — ditto. If you wanted to sleep around but society forbid it? ditto. But now? And the damage to potential children is minimised or unknown by most people. Because children are the victims of adults, inarticulate, powerless children, the ones that were kicked but couldn’t express how that felt, or not in a way that is or was taken seriously because who takes kids seriously? It’s like when they circumcised baby boys believing babies don’t feel pain? Whaa? It’s hard to believe sane adults believed that, but they did because it was in their interest to or whatever. What I’m saying with all this is we all grab for happiness because no one is born that happy and we have to believe we haven’t done anything evil in doing so. Further, if our society says we haven’t — we feel aggrieved when someone says we have. Human nature means we’ll try to deflect that fact. It’s very very hard to realise we’ve caused a lot of pain. Very hard. As Christians we’re called to repentance which means we’re all asked to face the pain we’ve caused. That’s one of the toughest requirements if you take it seriously. We’re all very very clear on who has hurt us and a little muddled about who we have hurt (and then convince ourselves sometimes that the pain we’ve caused is minor compared to what we’ve suffered ourselves and sometimes this is true but we should be skeptical). We’re also called to a standard of forgiveness that is basically supernatural. Christ healed and forgave all his life, as far we know, but the real test was when he was being tortured, publicly humiliated and destroyed and he went on record, “Father forgive them; they know not what they do.” We know what kind of people we’re to become from that comment because he wasn’t forgiving in a kind of abstract, that is, forgiving the paralytic for his sins and then healing him. He was forgiving the people who were harming him personally, in his body, mind and soul, and harming him in permanent ways (he still bears the marks right?) and while in that agony, asked for forgiveness for them. Because they didn’t know what they did. They really didn’t get it because they didn’t, themselves, feel it. What saves me is knowing I’d do the same were I in the same place of ignorance, as my parents did, if it meant I could get happy without penalty, social or otherwise, and also believe I was a ‘good’ person. It’s only by being the victim of socially accepted practises, like crucifixion for example, that you find out they’re evil and then only if you’re made aware, which can take a while too. We’re not called, as Christians, to do this kind of astonishing forgiveness without supernatural help. The holy spirit will enable it so we don’t take credit for it for ourselves, which is another thing we’re all so prone to do. I know my years of wrestling with forgiveness have taught me that I was so wrong to think I could do it myself. It takes a lot of effort and practise of spiritual disciplines to feel the holy spirit but He does come and then we find He’s been there all along, we just didn’t feel Him. All this is to say — keep hanging in there. Do the work and let it be done within you.
Things get easier.
Amen! Beautifully said.
Dear Corbin,
I wanted to tell you that you sound like the most wondeful man to me. I know it must feel so hard at times to fully relate to boys/men who have grown up in so called healthy families with a mother and father. I was very blessed with a wonderful loving father. He wasn’t perfect, but tried his very best. We have taken some great strengths from him, but also learnt some unhealthy habits along the way, habits which I’ve had to learn to recognise, but every child learns some unhealthy habits from their parents, which can affect them in later life. – My brother has taken my dads contolling side to the extreme and doesn’t treat my mom and I well at times because of that, but he can not see that he is being controlling and unkind. My dad was just very strict, so didn’t mean to be controlling, but his ability to love was far far greater than any rules we had to follow in the home. Anyway he definitely mellowed out over the years and recognised his mistakes, changing his ways before he psssed away of cancer. I have a 14 year old son who is so very loving, but he hasn’t had the best example of a father, as his dad/my ex husband, didn’t treat me well for a very long time, not knowing how to love me, he just didn’t know how to be the father I think he so desperately wanted to be. I think that was because his dad is such a quiet quiet man and his mom was domineering. In the end his frustrations meant he judged my children and I very unfairly and put us down so much of the time, as well as not being present for us, even though he was in the home… He is trying to be a better father now, trying to show a fathers love to the children, not putting them down anymore (but does slip up at times, still expecting the children to be how he thinks they should be,) but he struggles to reach out in love to our son. – He wants a relationship with our son, but he always blames our son for the problems with their relationship, not seeing the part he is playing/the hurt he causes. So I look at my son and wonder, I wonder will he have the confidence he deserves/needs in his adult years, will he trust in his ability to be a father and an example. I know he can do those things, I know he can do anything, but he needs to know that for himself. I think being a good father and good example as a man or woman is knowing/trusting we have good hearts, that we have the ability to be empathic towards others, that we are willing to learn a better way if needs be, to be sorry if we need to be, and making sure we do our part/helping when we need to etc. So yes men and women can have different rolls, but they also need to be a team, and whenever someone chooses to get married/is married, they need to recognise each person has different strengths, and those strengths might not even conform to social norms, e.g. the father might end up being the one who loves to cook and who takes care of the children if the mother isn’t able to for whatever reason. The mom might love doing some DIY and have good ideas to help lead the home, meaning both father and mother can see how they can both work together to be the best parents and partners they can be… For me, I have Ill health now after years of pushing myself too hard and emotional abuse, but I’m dating a man who accepts me exactly as I am, who wants to listen to me, who wants to improve if he makes mistakes, wanting to learn and grow and be a team. So now I hope my children can learn something from his example of love and kindness, but you know I really believe all can be well with my children if I simply unconditionally love them. – If I teach my children how to truly love themselves, how to be humble, how to want to learn and grow, knowing they might be wrong at times, especially when it comes to the importance of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, so you don’t think you are always right if in a relationship etc., so they can understand why other people do and say what they do. It is so important for a parent, mother and father to teach their children to believe in themselves. – My parents taught me that, but I lost most of that belief in myself over the last number of years, so I am working on regaining it, as well as continuing to learn how I can better love myself and others. Also teaching our children to lean upon God throughout their lives, especially in their hardest times. My son is choosing to not believe in God right now, but I know my son just needs to know I will love him whatever he chooses, and my job is to love him and try to be the best example I can be, so keeping my faith, but doing that with love, accepting the fact that my son might not always agree with why I do the things I do. So really it comes down to our hearts, our desire to always learn to understand and love others, and to recognise that we will always need to learn/grown and improve, and that our children/partners need compassion because they’re in the same boaat too… My counsellor said I should date a kind man, but also someone who is willing to learn and recognise their mistakes, and I definitely know that’s what I need in my life, what we all need. One other thing that is so important when it comes to a successful relationship is the need to be with someone who shares your core values, you don’t have to be the same people, but it’s so important to fully respect each other’s values if they do differ at times. – I guess that’s what compromise is, or give and take is meant to be. You can really see a giant loving empathetic heart from your post/words. I think its just so important to be compassionate with ourselves and remember it’s o.k. to be in a place of healing, and so important to learn how to believe in ourselves, and if you do end up being in a relationship making sure it’s with someone who has a giant loving empathetic heart too… We all need to heal and truly love ourselves. I’m sure you will make a wonderful full of love father and husband if that is the path you end up choosing in your life… It takes courage and faith. – I think it takes exercising faith and choosing courage every single day. I’m working at it, and I now I will be for the rest of my life, but that is o.k. I will always make mistakes, but I can learn to forgive myself and forgive others, and trust my best efforts are always good enough. – So are yours, so are my children’s, all of our best efforts are good enough (but I’ve learnt having compassion doesn’t mean we need to be around an abisive situation.) Sorry about my long post, my heart just reached out to you as I could see a wondeful good man who deserves so much happiness. Sending you love this New Year… I can do it, and I know you can too. With love Ruth.
You’ve articulated something here, especially in the last two paragraphs, that has weighed on my mind for a couple of years now, especially since my father’s death in 2017.
My dad was always in my life, but only on the periphery. He was a visitor who never understood how important his role was and never had the self-esteem to believe his role was important. I’ve only recently, at 50 yrs. old, started recognizing how much my father failed to teach me merely because he was willing to take a backseat. There were many people in my life who were willing to help teach me how to be a man, and I love them for it, but there was nobody to truly show me. It’s the difference between reading an instruction manual and actually performing the task.
I have made some really enormous mistakes in my life, and I can now draw a direct line from the worst of those mistakes to things I should have learned from my father. I won’t go into the “gory” details, but even now I’m trying to put my life back together in the aftermath. There are many of us out there who don’t know The Rules. You’re not alone.
I was so very saddened reading this. I am also a convert to Catholicism and also struggle with unanswered prayer (daddy issues/ “absentee Heavenly Father”) but have come to know something of the mystery of the Presence of God through the Eucharist and yes, through suffering. It has taken a long time. The profound sense of loneliness I also share due to “primal wounds,” despite being married and having children (so that doesn’t solve it), and similarly my husband doesn’t quite know how to be a man, being raised without a dad but only by a screwed up mom. I will be praying for you. There is hope, even if it’s not fully realized until the end of time (that outward-looking perspective that so marked the early Church I’ve had to embrace too). “Behold, I make all things new.”