I am a 38-year-old married woman, a wife of 10 years, and a mother to a 3.5-year-old daughter and a 1-year old son. My mother is African American and my father is/was Caucasian. I was born in the late 70’s where it was still taboo for interracial relationships to exist. My family on my father’s side did not meet or knew I existed until I was a year old. This was because my grandfather apparently was racist and my father did not want to deal with that. When my younger sister was born, my dad told his family that he was a daddy again as they didn’t know my mother had been pregnant. My sister and I were born out of wedlock and my parents decided the right thing to do was get married. I was 4 when they got married and 6 when they were divorced. My mother didn’t bother to show to the divorce hearing and my dad was granted automatic custody of my sister and myself.

My dad was now a single father of 2 girls. He loved being a dad and adored us…and we adored him. We thought he was the greatest thing ever! He did things for us, took us places and experienced things to show his love and dedication, and we loved every moment of it. He couldn’t afford to buy us too much as finances were tight, but he did what he could. My family on my dad’s side helped a lot with being there and show us love. We definitely felt love like any child should feel. However, something still felt missing.

My best friend growing up also had a family that was loving and treated me like their own daughter. I felt so welcomed and was very thankful for that. Her mom felt like she was my mom. But it still was not the same.

I never have had a mom’s love and affection. My mom was so caught up in her drug life, that she didn’t care if she was part of her own children’s life (she had 4 total). I still to this day suffer because of that abandonment feeling. I often would wonder why every other kid had a close relationship with their mom, but not me. I wondered if I was unlovable in the sight of my mom’s eyes. Why did she not want to be in my life? And the times she did decide to visit, there was broken promises. For example, she promised to take my sister and I to Enchanted Village. She was late picking us up, but he ended up there in the parking lot. She spent who knows how long dealing with one of her “boyfriends” that by the time that was resolved, Enchanted Village was closing and we couldn’t even go inside. That’s heartbreaking to a kid who is excited to go there.

Other memories I have of her is when we’re with her we would go to random people’s houses. She said they were her “friends”. However, once we got there she would make my sister and I sit in a random bedroom and not allowed to come out. We didn’t understand why. I now know it was so she could get high with them and not let us see her. But I have witnessed her smoking crack. I came out of the room to use the bathroom and saw her smoking from a pipe. At the time I didn’t understand what it was and brushed it off. I know now what was going on.

I have blocked out most of the memories I have of her because it hurts so bad. Most of my thoughts and feelings about my mom is mainly that she didn’t care about us and she didn’t love us. That’s why she didn’t try harder to be in our lives.

When I was 15, my dad succumbed to his diabetes and passed away at age 39. Did my mom step up and try to get custody of my sister and I? Of course not! We went to live with my grandma (my father’s mother). I remember feeling sad because my mom still didn’t want me.

As an adult, as a mother I’m still deeply affected by it! How can anyone in any situation turn their back on their child? I love my children with every ounce of my being. I can’t imagine not always being there for them. They deserve their mommy in their lives. They grew and lived inside of me for 10 months, I bonded with them from the moment they were out of my womb. They know a mommy’s love like no other love! And how one cannot want to be there is beyond something I cannot comprehend. My mother walked away from 4 kids total…that baffles my mind. Yes, I’m thankful I’m alive, but my mother had no business having children if she was not going to be there.

It is my goal to not have my children question whether or not I love them. I don’t want them to feel the pain of abandonment, like I had to experience. No child should be without their mothers…and fathers too since it’s a different type of love and life experience. But a mother’s love is crucial! I’m still to this day going through my emotions and dealing with the pain. I know I’m on a journey of healing and have lots of counseling to still go through. All I wanted growing up was my mommy to love me and be there for me. I just want to be able to call her and tell her about my day and ask advice from! And I know my children will have that, and that gives me peace. I’m breaking the cycle! 1st generation Christian, and a full-time dedication mother!

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