(Originally published at Anonymous Us)
I was conceived via AID (artificial insemination donor) as it was called in the late 1960s in England. My father had his prostate removed so he and my mother went down the route of artificial insemination by anonymous donor. Mum told me when I was a child. All about how desperate she was for a baby, and how much I was wanted, and I was special.
It doesn’t feel like that. I’m middle aged now, and I went through a phase of kidding myself it doesn’t matter. But it does. It always has if I’m honest. I’ve felt disconnected for as long as I can remember. Like a fake. Artificial.
Of course, I can’t imagine how it feels to be desperate for a child like my mother was, but here rarely seems to be any thought in any discussion I’ve seen on how the child conceived by donor might feel. A life that might be permanently affected by someone exercising their ‘rights’
I know I wouldn’t exist had the donor sperm not been administered by a doctor, but that’s not the point.
I’d just ask those considering having a child this way to think of the risk that you may be psychologically damaging the child. There’s plenty of children up for adoption. Why make more… if it’s so important to you to have in some way have a child with a biological link to you, think about how for the child having a biological link is equally important. Perhaps more.
Having a child by donor isn’t just about the parent/s needs and rights. The child will have to deal with being produced through a medical procedure as I was. It might affect them for their entire life.
Oh well, your mother at least told you the truth. You were planned, wanted and surely loved. Think about those who are born out of rape, a one-night stand… Do you think that child will have that biological link with the father? And think about all of those around you who believe that their father is their actual father and not some random guy. Your mother was honest, more honest than many, and still you feel that way. Well, guess what, you could be a biological child of your parents and still have that *disconnected” feeling. That is something you can fix with the help of a psychologist, or find the strength in you to deal with it. Think of all the beautiful things you can do, because your parents brought you to life. Just don’t blame it on your parents.
There’s no need to shame someone for sharing his opinion. He has every right to feel the way he does. It’s really selfish to go through artificial insemination or sperm donation when there are kids that do need loving homes.
But I do agree that adoption needs to be a lot easier than it is now.
So are you saying adopted people shouldn’t care about who is part of their biological family, but, modern fertility babies do?
It is not correct to play with children as if they were pets. We are all a natural result of a mom and dad. That should be respected. In nature itself all wisdom can be found.
Unless you have walked in his shoes, you have no idea how he feels. Even if you were donor conceived, you have no right to judge him or shame him.
Condescending and dismissive much!! What a narrow-minded and self-serving response to someone that is sharing their lived experience. So mean.
This lack of empathy in your comment Catia is stunning. Never does a sincerely helpful, loving comment start with “at least…”
You have totally discounted his experience and feelings. You’re not in his shoes and you just don’t know.
Check yourself and what may have prompted such a knee-jerk and self-focused reaction.
As St Francis said, may we seek to understan.
And to the original poster, thank you, thank you for sharing.
May I ask how many children you’ve adopted?
It is actually very difficult to adopt a child as a single parent or same-sex parents. Religious organizations will only consider heterosexual married couples for adoption. It is almost impossible to adopt through social services as most parents do not want to give up the rights to their children and the children end up spending their childhood in foster care, which is very hard on the children (much harder then being a donor conceived child with the stability of at least one parent). Adoption is not that easy and that’s why many women and couples go for donors (sperm and ova) because even for married couples, the waitlist for adoption can be 5 or more years.
First, a pregnant woman who is considering adoption has every right to decide who gets to raise her child.
Second, unless you are both a donor conceived child and a child who spent time in foster care, you have no idea how it feels or which is worse.
Third, it isn’t about you and your desire to have a child. The first rule of parenthood is this…it isn’t about you.
No matter how badly your mother wanted a child, that was putting her needs ahead of her child’s needs. Children are not objects to fill our needs. Wanting and loving are not the same thing.
No one has the right to a child. If we truly love, we don’t play with the lives of others.