(Originally published on AnonymousUs)
Growing up it was just my mom, my two very involved godparents and me. I always knew I was missing a biological father. I always had to explain to my friends since the age of five why I don’t have a dad. I liked it, I got attention for it as a kid and I barely felt a void. It wasn’t until my teen angst kicked in and I started resenting my mother. I found out she had a choice whether or not to choose an anonymous donor. When I asked her about it she told she didn’t want my donor to fight for custody since she was a lesbian. It was late 90’s and I can’t really testify about the climate, but something never really set right with me. Like maybe it wasn’t the right decision on her part.
What helped me get through my young teen years was the thought of getting a donor card when I turned 18. Even then I didn’t really care about knowing who my dad was. I wanted to know what he looks like. That’s really it. I know it seems menial, but over time it began to eat me alive. I couldn’t stand it, I was just filled with anger all the time. That’s all I really feel about my existence. Anger. Had my mom tried to adopt a child she would have without a doubt not passed the requirements. Animal shelters care more about their animals than fertility clinics do about the lives they create.
When I finally turned 18, my mom called the clinic to get HER medical records with the donor information. Literally all I want is to register with the DSR, not stalk my biological father and have him fill some void. To my mother’s surprise, HER records have been missing since 2012, the same year the doctor who administered my conception retired.
My mom apologized. I could tell she felt awful. How couldn’t she. She watched me grow up asking the same questions year after year, telling me I can know once I turn 18. That Christmas she gave me a DNA kit. I was excited. My hopes went through the roof. I had seen so many success stories in the news. The results came back and I was excited to find out where I was from. To no surprise all my ancestors came from Europe. Hard to deny when my skin is practically translucent. Most of my DNA matches I already knew about. Most of them were a part of my mom’s family. I couldn’t even fill out a family tree for myself since I am forced to leave my father’s side blank.
One match I found looked like they could be a sibling of my father. They were labeled as a close relative of mine, but they didn’t show up on my mom’s tree. I reached two times, separated by a couple months. I haven’t gotten a response. I wouldn’t know what to do if I got a response.
I have lost all hope. Most of the piece was just catharsis for myself, but if you are thinking about conceiving through IVF or AI, please don’t give your child any hope.