Dear Lois,
My heart grieved when I heard your soon-to-be ex-husband, Ed Smart, came out as gay. Especially when I heard him say that coming out was “more difficult” for him than those agonizing months of Elizabeth’s kidnapping. Only in a world where adult sexual desire is considered the greatest good could a father elevate his own feelings above the abduction and violation of his daughter. I am so so sorry.
I know what you’re going through. Because five years ago, my ex-wife sat with me in church and told me that she was born gay. She said, “God made me this way.”
I’ve been a Christ-follower for 7 years. I’ve since met several men and women who have been rescued from the same trap of Ed’s thinking. The trap that says their same-sex attractions must define their whole life. The hope that Ed would come to repentance, and the belief that God can redeem and restore him probably does not calm the storm of emotion in you. Because I feel them too.
Since my divorce, I’ve seen my ex-wife get “lesbian married”, artificially inseminated and have a second child. The child that we share from our marriage asked if his little brother could call me dad. He said, “Dad, can my little brother call you dad? He needs a dad too.”
My wife’s decision to break up our marriage to serve her newfound sexual identity has inflicted serious hurt and confusion on our son. In the early years after our divorce, he would tell me that he hoped and prayed that his mom and I could be married again one day. He’ll often ask me stories about when I was married to his mom. He regularly tells me that he misses living with me. My son has paid the greatest price for my ex-wife’s decision to prioritize her sexual desires over his right to be loved daily by his mom and dad.
Our separation isn’t his only struggle. For the last 5 years my son has been dragged to gay-pride parades, had his face painted with the laughable “No H8” symbol (as if it’s hateful to say that kids need their moms and dads), and been exposed to adult XXX toys. At one point his wardrobe was inclusive of feminine “gender-neutral” clothes. One time he even told me that he was a little girl, fueled by the over-abundance of female influence in his primary home. My son has suffered for his mother’s choices, both in terms of exposure to innocence-sapping adults and ideas as well as the general upheaval of divorce. As a result, I have learned to double down in prayer, hoping that I can be more influential on the few days each month he’s in my home.
What amazed me about my ex-wife, and Ed as well, is that their “feelings” somehow have more power to determine their true idenity than the undeniable reality that their bodies have made little humans through heterosexual unions. Little humans who desperately need both their mom and dad. Little humans who will have to bear the ultimate price for their “coming out.” Little humans (and even grown children like your own) whose right to be raised in the loving home of their mother and father are sacrificed on the altar of their parent’s new sexual identity.
There are days when I struggle to fight this fight because society has so endorsed my wife’s destructive choices. That’s ever true in some churches. But I keep fighting for truth. And so must you, Lois. You must be the place where your children can find validation for their pain when the world tells them how “brave” their father is. Because you know better than anyone that his “bravery” has cost them their family unity and stability.
Lois, I’m so so sorry that you’re hurting. I hope my words bring you comfort. Even if it’s the comfort of knowing that you’re not alone.
Blessings,
Max Thomas
What a poignant glimpse of the very real collateral losses suffered by those left to grieve abandoned marriages and broken family ties… my heart goes out to you and your son, Max. Those who espouse the “love is love” theory somehow forget the Biblical admonition about how love is not selfish and does not look out merely for its own interests.
I am so sorry about your ex-wife and for your son. I, myself have not gone through this in the way you have but i do understand what your going throught and the pain you feel. My daughter says she is bi-sexual, and because i do not agree with her stand, our relationship suffers because of her choices. Not just for her and myself but also for my 6 year old grandson whom she refuses to let me see him because I have made it known to her that i do not support some of her choices. My grandson is torn into pieces saying he misses me and when i do see him which is rare and only for a short time thankx to my exhubby who brings him to me. He clinges to me and repeats a 100 times that he misses me and when he gets bigger that she wont be able to control him and he will come visit and stay with me for sleepovers.
I think it would have been selfish for her to stay in the marriage. First of all, you cannot discount the love we have for ourselves. Secondly, she would be lying to him if she stayed. Thirdly, their child would suffer because his parents do not love each other. I am a minor myself and I know what it is like to grow up with parents who do not love each other. When they got divorced of course I was upset but I know it was better than listening to them yell at one another. It was very damaging to me. It is better to be surrounded by love.
Love is a decision. It is not a feeling…once we begin to grasp that love is sacrificial, we can begin to heal from the disordered idea that love is unbounded self indulgence.
You are absolutely correct. My wife and I now have been married more than 55 years. We each determined that our marriage would work throughout our entire lives and we made that choice. Whenever any serious conflict has arisen, we each fall back upon that choice as we adjust our positions to make things work. With serious commitment, love grows stronger and deeper with time. Most things in life call upon us to make choices. We live and die by our choices, and each choice is ours to make, including to love or not to love.
I believe that love is both.
I have chosen to love my spouse and I feel his love for me.
It’s awesome that it can be both.
Wow! This hurts my heart… for you, your son and people around you. Your closed minded thoughts are misguided. Being gay or straight isn’t about sex, it’s about everyone’s right to live a joyous life without hate, biggretry or the Bible thrown at them.
Perhaps your son’s sadness is what most young children go through at the loss of their parents marriage, not because his mom is forcing a lesbian lifestyle on him.
I pray for you, I pray for all to have the understanding that people just need to be happy.
Signed, a heterosexual married over 30 yrs women.
I guess I don’t feel like e understand your comment. I am a very religious person and I knew growing up I wanted to get married and have children.
This is one of the strongest ways that men and women show each other how much they live each other is through intimacy.
I don’t know anyone that isn’t gay or lesbian that doesn’t have the same desires as heterosexual. If you don’t what’s the point of getting married?
I personally wanted to create life. I am pretty sure you know that you can’t get pregnant with 2 of the same sex.
I don’t want to sound disrespectful but families literally don’t exist without an egg and sperm. I know now days what ever goes, but in a god fearing home, husband and wife can get this naturally done usually.
Heavenly father has taught in scriptures that each child is entitled to have a father and mother.
The family isn’t broken. He and his children are still close. Only Lois wants nothing to do with him.
If the family wasn’t broken they would still be together.
It is great that the kids still talk with their father, but a broken family would be parents not together. This changes family. I have watched it in my own family.
Max Thomas…. You’re so clueless
Why is he clueless? Because he entered a marriage and had a child thinking it was forever ? Or the fact that his heart was ripped out and stomped on like it was nothing? Until you have walked this path how can you say that? I get people need to be accepted and loved for being LGBTQ..but no one gives a crap about the people they hurt in the process of living their best life. Great for them..painful for us that are dumped in the gutter.
Amen, I will be praying for both families
Please pray, not just for these two families, but the thousands upon thousands going through the exact same thing due to the antidepressant drugs that are causing it all. And with Christian women being the highest users of these drugs you can expect MANY more!
What does this have to do with anti depressants?
Absolutely everything! I have specialized in these drugs since early 1990 & my first book on them came out in 1991. In 1993 a Florida doctor contacted me realizing Prozac had caused him to become gay. In 1994 my large text on the drugs came out thatwas used in pharmacy classes. In 1997 the doctor whose research was used to create the drugs came out against them calling them “monsters” & warning people were being lied to about them. In the year 2000 there were 2000 scientists gathered together to warn that there were so many antidepressants in our water supply they were seeing male fish born to the mothers exposed to the drugs were born with ovaries! Although I had been hathering reports from those with the same experience as the doctor in Florida their report sbout the ovaries in males shocked me. There is much more but that will give you an idea of why I would make that statement.
How can you possibly consider antidepressants that are taken by Christian women/men a cause of change in sexuality. LDS woman & men NEED antidepressants just as any other person practicing religion or Not. If you as a person with children can not consider post partum blues, situational deression, tramatic events in life, OR a change in sexuality, becoming emotionally stable IS a plan, often done through antidepressants. Not becoming emotionally stable,leads to serious consequences such as suicides and self hate. Your choice fine, but don’t counsel someone Not to follow Drs orders. Don’t pray and bring God into it, he is doing just fine without your ideas. If I had a lovedone, & something happened, caused by your lifestyle nonsense over a physician – I would be very upset.
Your comment about antidepressants is neither helpful nor medically correct. It is irresponsible to just flatly say that anti depressants are the cause of what you “Christians” believe to be the immoral ills of the world. Antidepressants have saved more lives and helped more people lead lives that are full, productive and joyous. Have you ever thought that maybe more “Christian women” are taking antidepressants because of all of the pressure put on them to have babies, make their husbands happy, look like Barbie dolls 24/7 with smiles on their faces in the face of adversity even tho inside they are crumbling. To be perfect? Next time put a little thought into your response instead of judgement. “christians “ are taught not to judge are they not?
This is so sad, but he’s so right about what happens to the children. Our daughter did the same thing, and both of her children have mental health issues. Our granddaughter, at age 15, decided that she was really a boy, and at age 18 began taking male hormones, and had a double mastectomy. Three years later, she decided that she is really a girl after all, but still has the deep voice and is very confused.
Our grandson has mental health issues as well. He’s been diagnosed with various issues, including schizophrenia, but now the doctors aren’t sure what it is. He’s left the state to live with his father and has no contact with his mother, and by extension, us.
It’s a very sad situation, and we believe it all began with our daughter’s betrayal of her family. These selfish people think nothing of their children.
Dear Jesus, I pray for healing in our people that is causing so much pain. Only in your love can our bodies be nourished and healed. Our society is becoming more broken ever day, we have lost our way, I hope you still see some good in us and help restore our faith.
What I am reading is a selfish man, playing victim, who had done absolutely nothing to understand his wife. Sexual orientation is not a choice. No, she will not “pretend” to be something she is not so you can be happy at her expense. What sort of person, other than a narcissist, would demand that their happiness is most important. Get over yourself. Educate yourself. Learn to be a good co parent. Stop poking your kid for information about his mother. Move on with your life and ask God to forgive you for your selfishness and hurr you are causing your family.
I fail to see how a father concerned about his child being exposed to sex toys in a household that is all-too-obsessed with sex is the same as a father “poking his kid for information about his mother.” I’m sure that if people like you had their way, this concerned father would be told to go hide in a hole and not be in his own child’s life anymore. Move on with your life and ask God to forgive you for your hypocritical judgment of a man based on his desire for what is best for his son.
Maybe it is you who should be more compassionate. Sexual orientation is a choice and the victims here are the children.
There will always be consequences to choices, regardless of how “progressive” those choices are seen in society.
Sexual orientation confusion — like gender identity issues — like multiple personality disorders — like paranoid schizophrenia — the common thread is mental & emotional confusion & conflict.
I don’t know the answer to healing. But the first step among each illness is the desire to heal & be normal. Those in society who say “they’re born that way” — that’s more harmful than the affliction itself.
Sexual orientation isn’t a choice.
Take the sex toy and gender-bending to court and try to get custody. She replaced her family with what she really wanted, let him take his kid and leave.
Coparenting is garbage.
Totally agreed! How can they expect people to co-parent with selfish people who do this to their families???
Oh dear Theodosia. Am glad that Max’s son has a relationship with his Father. Do you have any concerns for the children you could share?
Hypocrites.
This child is likely very young and children are very vocal about what they see in their homes. So a father would not need to poke a child for information. Also, a father has a right to know what happens in his sons mother’s life, because it directly affects his son.. And clearly, you do it understand the betrayal of a spouse after years of a happy and fulfilled marriage deciding that their sexual desire trumps righteousness and family. I can only imagine turning to look at your spouse whom you have loved many years and now don’t even recognize them. It is a horrible thing. And it must be so heart breaking.
Are you working with all your oars in tue water? You’ve got to be kidding me with your view of what Max’s ex-wife is doing tontheir son. This is stable or free-thinking by any means. And you obviously care little about children, in general. Max needs to get himself a good attorney to have himself be awarded primary custody of his son. As a Christian, his wife’s got some mental issues in not seeing her child, as a child. You don’t expose your children to every crazy idea of your own beliefs, in trying to conform him. He’s a kid who needs to be a kid. Children need explanations in understanding, but to a limit. And my advice to you, don’t give advice in an arena you know little about, ‘child rearing’. A good parent puts the needsbof their children, above their own selfish desires. One’s sexuality, and or preference, would be a need near the bottom of one’s list of needs. Frankly, I don’t think it’s safe to have someone like you, walking amongst the sane people in our world, but evil is amongst us all unfortunately. Talk about, crazy is as crazy does. And I will add, may God have mercy on your soul, and bring you to Him, as He did Saul. Instilling you with His Light, in a very dark world. Blessings.
I saw the interview of Ed Smart.
I know a man who came out to his wife as gay when their daughter was 10 years old. He told the wife that he loved her and said that, for the sake of their daughter, he would like to stay together as a family unit until the daughter was grown. After the daughter went away to college for a year, the parents told her dad is gay and that they were divorcing.
Obviously this was not the “original plan” for the couple, but they maintained a good relationship for the sake of their daughter.
The wife is now remarried and very happy. The daughter is also happily married and maintains a good relationship with both parents.
Ed Smart left his wife after all the children were grown. I am sure Lois and the kids are hurt by this, but he stayed there for so many years. It’s not as if he abandoned his family when the children were small. They were all adults by that time. I do think he put them first for all those years.
I feel for Lois as she thinks her entire marriage was a lie.
Honestly if I had 6 children and my husband told me he was gay I would not be too happy. At least he hung in there until the kids were grown.
Not perfect for any of the parties.
However I do hope Lois finds happiness with another man. Also, she is so lucky to have 6 great children. I am a heterosexual woman who has never married and I have no children. I am the same age as Lois.
I feel sorry for your son Max. He is confused by the circumstances and, quite frankly, it does seem like the mother is not keeping the child’s best interest at heart. Very different from Lois’s situation where the children were allowed to grow up with both mother and father living peacefully under the same roof.
Sex is not the only thing that can hold the family together. Some couples do stay together (though they may not have a sexual relationship) for the sake of the children and the home. They usually separate after the kids have grown. This is more common than you’d think. It is a mature and responsible way to go about it, unless there is physical abuse, in which case the parties must separate.
I know many couples who handled their marital challenges in that manner. They put the kids first so they could enjoy a secure childhood.
Good luck Max. And to your young son as well. That seems like a very difficult situation.
Amen! Love is not unbounded self indulgence. Love is a choice. It is a false presumption that a relationship where one parent suffers from same sexual attraction is a relationship without love and full of fighting.
Maybe the child is actually crying out for help and understanding to a person he loves and trusts. Perhaps there is a problem in your interpretation? You obviously have taken a side here. Max is hurting. The child appears to be hurting. The ex-wife is the only “happy” person here it seems and is exposing an innocent child into a world of decisions he isn’t ready to be subjected to. Truly your input and my input will mean little to those hurting from this.
I think it’s disgusting that someone would marry the opposite sex if they’re homosexual. I can’t imagine what that does to their spouse. Marriage shouldn’t be a cover because your religion, family, etc. doesn’t accept your sexual orientation. If you don’t want to get married, don’t get married! As disgusting as this is, saying coming out was harder than having his daughter kidnapped and brutally abused is even more disgusting!
I would just like to point out that not everyone knowingly enters a marriage when they are gay. Part of the problem is society so gay people repress themselves and convince themselves they are straight.
My ex is gay and he still won’t admit it. He married another woman who is very much like a man. He’s still in hiding, so he’s using her too!
So very true!
Experiencing same sex attraction is not what defines you. It is following through on your commitments and promises that is indicative of the caliber or person you are. Everyone faces challenges in the commitment of marriage. Same sex attraction is not a more important or insurmountable challenge to your commitment to a marriage. Marriage is a promise, based on your honor and integrity, not on sexual attraction. Pretending that feelings, sexual or otherwise, trumps honor and integrity and warrants the abandonment of sacred commitments is delusional. Also, the very definition of selfishness and narcissism
Thanks for a your “voice of reason. Seems like there’s WAyyyy too many insane people out there clogging up the airwaves. ….Ugh!!!
Um, she shouldn’t have dated and married a man if she wanted a woman. That is where she lied to him. Of course he feels betrayed. He was.
I don’t totally agree with this. I think to some it is a choice. I think to others not so much.
Marriage is a huge deal. He isn’t being selfish at all. I am sad that she didn’t recognize this in herself earlier or chose to be this way. This was his best friend. He gets to grieve what he had with her, and she has had time to realize who she feels she is longer. I hope this was difficult for her as well. Divorce is hard on both sides especially if you are blind sided.
So sad, but thank your for sharing your comforting words and truth.
I strongly advise you to seek greater visitation with your son, regardless of the changes you may need to make in your life. A few days a month is not enough. Boys and young men need their fathers.
I agree – your son needs you a lot and I also would recommend you seek greater visitation and co-custody.
It is the parent who has entered into a marriage created a family. Had children. Who is responsible for the deep suffering they cause their spouse and children after they decide oh my sexual orientation has changed. I’m sorry a normal divorce affects people and children immensely. But a divorce that involves one parent coming out gay is very damaging. If you are gay you have the responsibility of not getting involved in a heterosexual marriage only to come out gay later. So it disgusts me for people to say sexual orientation is not a choice. Well that had a choice not to enter into a heterosexual relationship and destroy people’s lives. If your gay fine. But make the appropriate choices.
Amen!!!
Unfortunately people don’t always know they are gay or are ready to admit it to themselves. As a society we should work to be more inclusive and then maybe this will happen less.
Amen
I understand your pain and anger Tom – especially in having to explain to your son. I don’t understand why you would want to remain married to a lesbian who cannot share with you the sexual intimacy that is so important to a healthy marriage. A friend’s mother told me once that “When sex is good, it’s 10% of a marriage. When it’s bad, it’s 90%.” Maybe the sex wasn’t bad for you, but could it really ever be good with someone who prefers to be with a woman? And what about for your ex? The truth is that for whatever reason, the two of you cannot reinforce each other’s expression of love through sexual intimacy. And while there is more to us than our sexual identities and expression, when we cannot share that part of ourselves with someone who can accept, share and reciprocate that expression, it is a loss for both people. I am very sorry for your loss and pain – but I would also feel sorrow if the two of you remained together and could not honestly share a fundamental expression of intimacy and love.
My heart goes out to anyone whose partner goes into the relationship knowing that they are gay. It is a very selfish thing to do as they are bound to hurt the other person when they come out. That person is left shocked and heartbroken and having to pick up the pieces of their own life while their former partner declares their happiness with their new same sex partner. The hurt caused is immeasurable.
Lois, from her first interview , touched me with her love for her family. I would watch her do the many interviews with her husband at her side. I too am very committed in my faith and love for family. Then the unthinkable happened to me. My husband left me for a coworker after 29 years of marriage and 4 wonderful children. I broke into a million pieces. I was in a state of shock. He told me every day how much he loved me. One day I woke up and realized I still had me. Instead of investing all that emotion in the past I started walking in a new direction. I published a book, had success in my nursing career. and met and married a wonderful man…who my kids love and respect.
Good for you, Kathy! Happy for you!
Lois and Ed’s situation breaks my heart because they have an eternal family and marriage. If Ed could have kept it together and stayed married even until death, God would have healed him in the afterlife.
Totally agree!
My heart goes out to both
Ed Smart knowing he was attracted to men for years should never have imposed on his now ex wife. He’s a selfish man.
He suffered a mental break I think. I think he is probably bisexual.
Mr. Thomas, I understand EXACTLY what you’re going through. My son started dating a”girl “.The first time I laid eyes on this person, I told my son she was gay. For some reason he just couldn’t see it. Fast forward several years, she’s married to a woman and I have to watch my only grandchild live what I can plainly see is a heartbreaking life and theirs absolutely nothing I can do about it, as the courts favor the “mothers”. My daily prayer is that the time he spends with us will influence him more than the sad situation he’s forced to grow up in. Thank You for your letter. YOUR the brave one!