This article shares the harrowing details of a N.Y Court’s recent decision to give one boy “three parents.” It’s a horrifyingly tidy story about a child whose life is in chaos because three adults disregarded the “norms” of marriage- monogamy, complimentarily, permanence. These “norms” are what most cultures throughout history have considered “normal” or expected behavior for married couples because they have very clear connections to the well-being of children.
- Polyamory- group love- is the next frontier in the marriage battle. If gender doesn’t matter to marriage, then why should monogamy– limiting the number of adults to just two? This is why. In this “three parent” scenario, a man and his wife chose to include their downstairs neighbor in their sexual adventures. The resulting child, a product of the husband and neighbor, is now 10-years old and caught in a dizzying custody battle. Multiple (poly) partners, always means the presence of non-biological adults in the home which statistically diminish child outcomes because more “parents” do not make a child’s life better. Rather, as in this situation, the child’s life often becomes unstable, complicated, or even endangered with more adults on the home-front. Monogamy is good for kids.
- Complementarity, where the two sexes “compliment” each other, is a marital norm because it takes a man and a woman to make a baby. That baby will need that man and woman at each stage of development. A boy like this, who ends up with “two moms” will do so at the expense of losing a partial or full relationship with his father. Gender matters, and kids don’t need weekend visits with dad (or mom.) They need 100% of mom and dad every day. Complementarity is good for kids.
- The expectation of permanence within marriage is critical because while the sexual desires of adults can change, the child’s need for stability does not. A society-wide expectation that adults will remain committed to one another regardless of their sexual appetites serves children. Without the norm of permanence (which took a major hit with the acceptance of no-fault divorce), parental break-up is often the first of many losses and transitions for children. When a child’s parents divorce (or in this case, never commit), the result is ongoing instability and turmoil. Permanence is good for kids.
*Bonus: Infertility is not an argument against man/woman marriage. Seldom are both adults in a marriage infertile. As in this case with a fertile husband and infertile wife, it’s still in the state’s interest to encourage sexual fidelity within the (original) marriage, so that a child isn’t born outside of the protection of marriage… like this boy.
Marital norms do not exist to limit adult fun. Rather, each of them have a very specific benefit to kids, and abandoning any of these ideals has serious life-altering consequences for children, as this young boy knows all too well.
P.S. When we said that redefining marriage would redefine parenthood, we weren’t playin’.
I have to agree with Katie’s reporting here. Here is a another angle. I am a child from a traditional monogamous relationship the was ‘dissolved’ by the Catholic Church before the ‘no fault’ clause was included for divorcees in 1975. This meant that either parent had to prove the other unfit or at fault for the marriage. This placed enormous pressure on the family unit. I remember both parents blaming the other and sending us kids legal documents with accusations against the other. This was harrowing and harmful to us and ‘a big loss’. Thankfully there is the no at fault clause here in Australia so at least the divorces do not potentially affect the whole family and children as much. Having gay marriage and all the ‘poly’ variations that that may involve is just going to complicate the issue for children further.
My sister was adopted so she got the ‘double whammy’ of being rejected by her biological parents and then seeing a bitter divorce play out. We are both now determined remain committed as parents to give our respective children stability that they all deserve.
Lola Amy is common in many christain sects and there is evidence that it shouldn’t be made legal. https://www.gotquestions.org/polygamy.html
“Polyamory- group love- is the next frontier in the marriage battle. If gender doesn’t matter to marriage, then why should monogamy– limiting the number of adults to just two?” I just showed why and it doesn’t involve your arguments.
Wow, the author frankly has no concrete, actual concept of what they’re talking about.
Rather than theoretical hypotheticals, here’s an actual example for you:
I have been living with my girlfriend and her wife for five years now. We have bought a house together, I have guardianship of the kids, and we have every intention of continuing on for the foreseeable future. Here’s some of the things our kids have that they wouldn’t if I wasn’t around:
A house in a good neighborhood, with really good schools. In the dc area, without two six figure salaries, they’d be growing up in a much worse neighborhood.
With two wage earners and one full time homemaker, the kids get much more focused parenting and attention. Mom volunteers with Girl Scouts and kids sports and pta, kids come home to an adult and have lots of help with homework, school projects, etc. , and we sit down together to a home cooked meal every night.
Because of more income and a higher standard of living our kids can go to summer camps, get school tutoring when needed, get a chance to go to better colleges, all things that give them a better chance in life. We can go on fun family vacations together to awesome places.
Six grandparents = a ridiculous number of Christmas presents. 🙂
More parents means there’s always someone to talk to, someone around to keep an eye on them, and drive them places when needed…and let me tell you, when one has soccer at 5 and one has basketball at six and one has Girl Scouts at the same time, three chauffeurs is a godsend.
We live a boring suburban life, full of the usual family chaos, but nothing inordinately unstable. Our kids are happy and have a better life and future, thanks to what the three of us can provide. They know they’re the most important thing to all of us adults, and they know we’ll all be there for them. The same holds true for most other poly families I know. I suggest looking around at real examples of the phenomenon before forming your opinions, rather than spinning alarmist fantasies out of whole cloth.
Many adults who divorce often think that their kids are doing great. More Christmas presents! More adults to love them. Yet study after study shows that children of divorce suffer. There has not yet been a family structure where an unrelated adult joins the household and outcomes improve. When Same-Sex parents complete surveys on how they think their children are doing- their reports are glowing. When the kids talk about their actual experiences- no surprise- many of them struggle.
Bottom line- your perception of how the kids are faring may differ starkly from their actual experiences.
When the kids grow up, leave the house and have families of their own, we’ll be interested in hearing from them. They will likely have a ver different story than yours.
That’s wonderful. What a stable, loving household your children are growing up in!
This article is laughable trash with no supporting evidence to any of the author’s claims.
This is an unfounded, clearly unresearched and probably fear based opinion, polyamory is less based on just sex, more opening ones heart to love and transcending personal suffering from attachment ie. Jealousy, shame and being able to love further instead.