I grew up as an only child of a single mother, and as a young kid I never really questioned it. My father had been around briefly when I was born up until age 3. I saw him a few times a year after that, and then not at all from ages 5-11.
It seemed so simple to me as a child. I remember having a friend over when I was about 6. She asked me frankly “where’s your daddy? Why doesn’t he live with you?” I simply responded ” my mummy doesn’t like him so he doesn’t live here”. My friend brought it up with my mum at the dinner table. I remember my mother seeming angry and embarrassed about having to discuss it. When my friend left my mother asked me why I had told her that, and I said ‘simple, it’s the truth’.
My only memories of my parents together are them fighting in the kitchen and me covering my ears and asking them to be quiet. As a child I was glad my dad wasn’t around – because I knew my parents hated each other and it was miserable for me to witness. But as I grew older I saw just how much I was missing out. I went into puberty very early (a common side effect of single parent households that is rarely talked about), I started craving the attention of boys as a preteen and started having sex early. I dreaded going over to friends houses who had “normal” families – because then I was exposed to just how much I missed out on.
When I was older I finally asked my parents about our bizarre family situation. They had an off again on again relationship before I was born and were broken up by the time I arrived. My mother had lied to my father and said she was on birth control when she actually wasn’t and was planning to have a baby and become a single mother by choice. My father admitted he didn’t want me, and that he felt coerced into it. My mother stated she “felt ready for a child and knew she didn’t need a man around”.
The absence of my father in my life has led to so many awful things in my life. I constantly felt unloved, unworthy and abandoned. I craved a father figure and protection. This led to me seeking out unhealthy and abusive relationships with men who simply didn’t care about me. My mother tried to emotionally enmesh me and make me her mini me and best friend. She wanted to do everything with me and be everything to me- mother and father. She had a specific plan for my life that she wanted me to follow- and was deeply disappointed when I didn’t.
My mother “choosing” to be a single parent and lying to a man she knew didn’t want children has caused so much harm. I am a human being not an object, even as a baby I had rights to a loving and caring family. I am deeply disturbed about the growing trend of single mothers by choice and I feel for the children who will be brought up in these households. I’ll never fully heal from having an absent father and being raised by a single mother but I hope my story can make people think twice about their decisions.
The fight fathers (mainly) endure , to provide the care, love and attention you lost, is , purgatory, the evil inside parents who do this to their children, out of choice, is barbaric, my life , as a father, has been one of hurt, failings and vindictive control, I love my daughter, and lost my son to the same mother, this is pathological child abuse and needs to stop.
Financially , single parents benefit , thats a job to most, denoting a trend to shut our children up for their wants and needs.
I hope my fight was worth it for my daughter, my son is lost
It’s almost culture now, and the children are the trimmings. The side cast aways.
I made the sacrifice to give residential custody to my ex, due to my epilepsy, and the fact that I can’t drive. I saw the signs with his older son and he blasted his mother. His older son has left his life and he is desperate to hold onto my child. Cutting communication, emails and video.He cheeted on me, I left. I wasn’t going to let my daughter see us argue and be ugly to each other. The rub is.. His new wife has epilepsy..
He has her.. He can fix things, he can make it right.
And he CHOOSES not to. I can’t help but to feel a bit guilty, but I really didn’t have a choice.
I have stayed single for 8 years by choice.. My choice.
Makes me sad. I will be making my move, and he will not.
UNFORTUNATELY THIS IS A STORY THAT GOES UNTOLD BY MILLIONS AND SOME PARENTS DO NOT SEE THE DAMAGE THEY DO TO CHILDREN BY WITHHOLDING ANOTHER PARENT FOR VARIOUS REASONS
Wow, I have 3 girls going through this right now!!!
Hello I have two daughters 1 21 years of age and 1 6 years of age. My 21-year old daughter hasn’t spoke to me since was 8. This is because her mother turned her against me. My 6-year old we have a good relationship but her mother’s trying everything to destroy it. The pain and not having a relationship for my child is very sore it should be the most enjoyable time of your Life instead of the most tragic. These narcissistic personality disorders people weaponized children so they can hurt and control the person that rejected them but sometimes relationship just don’t work out.
I have seen this happen to a very dear friend of mine David. Him and the “girlfriend “ split. She took the two kids at a very young age and took them across the states. David fought and fought the courts but to no avail she won every time….and she was, is a terrible person. She used and abused those kids as a weapon against him. So very very heartbreaking
You’re being too hard on your mother. I’m a single mother, with one child, I experienced a turbulent relationship and chose to have him on my own and he is happy. He understands the issues with his Father. They do not make him feel lesser. I was raised in a nuclear family by parents who seemed more than ready for a child. They conflicted all the time and this damaged me too. Consider, you are apportioning blame to the absence of your Father but that is not the root issue. There was conflict, as a small child you had inconsistency, there was not enough positive reinforcement I am guessing, at a very young age, that reinforced the concept that you are loved and valued. Despite my son’s experiences he feels valued and loved and thus is happy in himself; but comparison despite my experience of a financially secure two-parenf family, I did not have it reinforced that I was loved and valued. It’s not about your family structure, it’s about how you were loved. The way forward is to stop apportioning blame to your parents and to do your own work to heal, as myself and millions of others have done. It’s not fair what happened to you or to me but that’s life! If you want to be happy, find a good therapist, and find a way to move beyond it.