I was born to a teenage mother. According to her siblings, and even my grandmother, my birth father loved my mother very much. I heard stories over the years of how much he loved and wanted to marry her.
My mother never lied in my younger years about who my birth father was. Three years after giving birth to me she was married to another man. This man adopted me and gave me his last name. My mother and he had a son together. Five years after that they separated and later divorced. She remarried and had another son. My two half brothers were allowed to have their fathers while I was told my birth father was not allowed to be part of my life. I would sometimes ask questions regarding who I looked like or took after. Often times she’d give a softer answer but sometimes she would rage. My mother would carry on that my birth father never wanted me he only wanted her.
My paternal grandmother would call me and I was terrified talking with her as I did not know her face and only heard her raspy voice. She would be very angry on the phone not understanding why I was not allowed to see her. She sent me gifts until I was 16 years old.
I met my father three times over my childhood. When I had my first son I called him to ask about medical questions. He sounded hurt when I spoke with him as he wanted a relationship and he could not understand that I had been programmed by my mother to have nothing or little to do with him. I always felt her anxiety every time the topic of my birth father came up. I had written him in my teen years but felt much emotional turmoil as he made it obvious he wanted me yet I had to be obedient to my mother. Even though I had been emotionally beaten to have nothing to do with him, quietly I loved him. I had to keep the peace with my mother in order to have any peace.
Once I recall sitting in a parking lot and her pointing out a man. She said that is your grandfather (my paternal). I had to quietly watch him and said nothing (being the peace keeper).
As time went by I emotionally put him away on a shelf in my mind. At age 37, after the birth of my third son, my mother and step father were hospitalized due to their alcohol abuse. I was very vulnerable as I had just given birth. My own husband struggled with alcohol (he too grew up without his birth father and the impact on our marriage was great) and so I felt I had little support.
So during the time after the birth of my third son I began to pray. “Lord I want a man to love me.” I was not thinking of my father at this point. I just wanted a man’s love. Well scripture says in John 14:26 God calls all things to remembrance. Even though I had felt my husband struggled to love me there was just enough. As I was praying this he discreetly spoke with his mother (my mother in law). She knew my adopted Dad was not emotionally present and neither were my Mother or my Step father. She asked my husband if I was willing to reach out to my birth father.
It was time to take a leap of faith. I called my paternal grandmother who was about 90 years old. She was hesitant and rightly so. Over the years I had reached out discreetly and extremely sparsely (sending her the odd picture and a card when her husband, my grandfather, passed). She did not want her son to be hurt again and told me she did not think it was a good idea that I reach out to him. Well I hung up the phone and within minutes the phone rang, it was my birth father. She had called him.
We spoke on the phone for 6 months. I did not let my mother know that I was getting to know him. I thought “I have to give “us” a chance.” After that time passed I decided to let her know as she would eventually find out. She pined and her drinking was still bad. After all these many years she actually lied and told me “I do not know who your father really is I was with different boys.” Can you imagine that is how low she stooped to try to sabotage a relationship I had started with my father? Her father left her as a little girl and so I think she took her anger out on me. My stepfather called me and asked how far I was going to take things. I told him I was getting to know my birth father and that was all. He told me he was all f***ing done with me. Shortly after that he had a heart attack. You can imagine how I felt. Of course I spoke with him when he was in the hospital. I told him I did not like our last conversation. He agreed. He and my mother were ill mentally and emotionally and spiritually. It hurt me terribly but I did finally learn how to create, practice and keep boundaries. Also to love with detachment.
I have been getting to know my birth father over the last 7 years. It has made a ENORMOUS difference in the life of my marriage and who I am as an individual. It has also impacted me as a wife and a mother. I felt as though I could stand taller. I had the other half of my identity and I knew who I was in spite of the anger my mother felt. I learned in therapy that I unconsciously put pressure on my own husband to fill unmet needs that were only meant for my father to meet. My husband loosened his grip on the bottle and I was finally able to love him and he me.
I also got to make peace with the grandmother that I was so afraid of and have been able to get to know my Aunts and Uncles. My father and I still go through mourning of our lost time. I feel I have been able to accept where we are at while he is still grieving lost years.
For this reason of not having my birth father for many years and choosing to fight in my own marriage to keep it together I do not advocate for the LBGTQ community. This does not mean I do not feel compassion towards them. I would rather advocate for them to learn to love themselves seeking to learn who they are while not putting emphasis on their sexual identity and gender identity but help them see the rule of order versus chaos and the long term impact on society that we are currently seeing. The only way some will learn is with real life stories with real life consequences. To me to say gender is insignificant is to say a mother or a father is insignificant. Likewise, I do not strongly advocate for divorce although sometimes it is necessary. Sex and sexual relationships are serious business and a baby is often the result and an amazing responsibility.
Children are riddled with problems because of lack of one or both parents. They go to bed at night with their guts wrenched with nerves trying to please the adults in their lives. They can not concentrate in school. There are greater mental health issues along with more poverty. I advocate for teaching children age appropriate practical lessons with real life consequences of life without a mother or a father and the real life impact. My brother works at a residential youth center, the result of mom’s and dad’s not being present. Some parents are addicted, and some are incarcerated.
According to the bible Jesus said he would return as in the days of Lot and Noah (Matthew 24:37/Luke 17:28). I believe those days are upon us. I do not know how much time we have left. I wish others peace and a right relationship with their Maker. We will give account.