We got the following comment from “Jay” on our post, Stories of Donor-Conceived Kids with Gay Parents- Why “family break-up” doesn’t explain their struggles.”

Hi I’m a guy, 15 I grew up in a small town where everyone including me was conservative. I have two lesbian parents and a most likely gay younger brother who I hate. All they do is b*tch about there lgbtqu community and it pissis me off. My family is close and that’s even worse. I like my grandparents, there more like my parents to me but it’s not the same as everyone else. I’m so jealous of my friends having perfect lives.  My aunts friend looks just like me, we’re both are little fat like hunting fishing and be out doors he works in a farm that’s what I want to do. My parents just think it a coincidence but I just wish I could know my dad and make the depression I have every day go away.

John, a fan of Them Before Us, read the comment and provided something that this kid has never had before: man-to-man advice from someone who has been in his shoes:

Hey Jay,


I grew up in a very similar situation (donor baby with two moms, no dad) and I know how frustrating it is to be surrounded by people who you do not agree with about anything. One thing conservatives are very good at is forgiveness and my suggestion to you is that you try your best to let go of the anger you feel towards your moms and your brother.


It is possible to think that it was a bad idea for your moms to deny you a relationship with your biological father and to still love them and accept them as your family. This is where the forgiveness comes in. It’s your only move. Otherwise, everyone will look at you as the angry, bitter guy who hates gay people and you don’t want to go down that road. You want to be the bigger person with the better ideas and you can prove that to everyone with your actions over time by being successful.


Use your anger towards something useful that will get you out of their house. Go work your ass off and make enough money to support yourself. That is the most conservative thing you can possibly do. Every time one of your moms says something dumb about politics, go to your room and fill out job applications. I did construction work and manual labor when I was your age and I loved it. I loved not needing their money. Working on that farm sounds f***ing awesome and that’s exactly what you should be doing. These liberals are afraid to get their hands dirty and are leaving a lot of money on the ground…


If you really want to piss them off, go volunteer for the most hardline, Republican candidates in your district. Tell them your story. My Republican friends think it’s cool that I have lesbian moms and am a crazy rightwinger. Get to know more people who share your ideas and can help you navigate this wacky life and try to be more respectful of the folks who you disagree with. It’ll keep you honest.


Go try a ton of different things and try not to worry so much about your friends and their perfect lives or your nagging moms if you can help it. Chances are, they’re really sweet ladies who probably love you a lot (and are scared to death that you’re a conservative). Why torture them by making them think you hate them? Just remind them that unemployment is at 3.9% and get on with your day.


Lastly, for what it’s worth, I really hope you don’t hate your brother because you suspect him to be gay. This is a situation where you can have your own opinions and ideas about homosexuality and still not be cruel to your brother who might not be having an easy time in your house either.


I was an angry dude for most of my teens and early 20’s and all I can say is that it is definitely possible to come out of the other end of this with a really good life and mostly healthy relationships with your family. 


I wish you the very best Jay.

This right here is a Mission Accomplished story. Them Before Us is the place where those on the other side of family breakdown advocate for those who are in the middle of it. John was able to give Jay what he never had as a 15 year old boy without a dad; connection with someone who has been there.

Stay with Us Jay.  Just as kids like you need to hear John’s voice, the world needs to hear yours.

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